My Return to Social Media

thoughts on my first few months back online

The scrolling has gotten out of control.

I deleted all of my social media accounts a little over 3 years ago. I had reached a point in life where I wanted to make big changes to how I spent my time and what I was consuming.

I wanted to make my faith real, to stop drinking, to spend time with people who filled my cup, I wanted everything about me to change, really. I didn’t see how any of that was possible while staring at a screen that told me my old life would do just fine.

And it worked.

I felt God’s friendship closely, my habits changed, my friendships deepened, I found my passions and followed them. It was a beautiful three years.

Of course, I still felt left out. There were group chats I wasn’t in and plans I never received the invitation to. I still found ways to distract myself through the day by scrolling on niche platforms.

But this summer, a fter a job opportunity I couldn’t pass up that required a social media presence, I downloaded the app I had spent three years trying to let go of.

It was scary how fast it happened. How easy it was to be looped back into the addiction of consumption. The whiplash of emotion when scrolling through videos. Being hyper-connected to a world that is scary and big and always feels out of reach.

When I first deleted the app, I was tired of looking at myself. Of swiping through every post, wondering what someone may perceive me to be. I was always aware of what I looked like and viewed the world through the lense of a post, doing things that looked cool on a screen.

There’s some of that that has carried over into my re-entrance. But what I have had the hardest time with, is how I numb my brain with content just to pass the day.

It’s embarrassing to even say, but surely I can’t be alone.

There are times I love what I see. I’ve heard the most beautiful singing voices and laughed with my belly because of these videos.

But at what cost?

How many books have I not picked up because my attention span is shorter than I would ever care to admit? How many conversations have I missed? How many walks have I not taken? How many sunsets have I not seen?

All for what? The sake of being connected to everyone, but the people in my life?

I posted about my New York trip last week. For the entire day my heartrate was up. I couldn’t think of anything but the fact that I had just posted. I was distracted and on edge.

I have 300 followers. The stakes could not be lower and still, I felt like I just told my crush that I like him.

I’m not sure what the road ahead looks like. How to control my depleted self-control. But I was just so tired of scrolling and reading and looking and not letting myself think, I had to write about it.

This is a confusing world and time to be alive. There’s so much to fight through just to find your humanity. To find ways to encounter real beauty and inspiration. And so rarely do we find any of that on a screen.

I just don’t know why that’s where I keep looking for it.

I wish I could write my way into a perfect bow-tying conclusion. To put the cherry on top and call it a day. I wish I could tell you I have it all figured out and will never struggle with this again. But I can’t.

I just need to put my phone down and shoes on.