In Response

to facing the music

How silly am I to think the best is behind me?

I went back and read my last essay about believing all I’ve been born to do is already in my memory’s cache. I felt a little embarrassed at how convinced I have become of that idea. I felt like I was selling so many of the things I love short because I use them for the sake of being someone I want to be, rather than who I am.

But that’s far too simple an idea to be true.

Sure, maybe this is the most wise I’ve ever been, the most creatively active, the surest of who I am, but, to think this is all there is, would give me no reason to wake up.

Of course there is more for me in this world. If there weren’t, I believe, I would fall fast into death’s embrace.

But here I am, again, writing at my desk, in my bedroom, with a beating heart, and a searching mind, and a curiosity for what still has me alive.

I wrote about how I use past endeavors of my faith to prove its existence. But, oh, how that contradicts the character of the God I do my best to love. Everyday I fall short, everyday I turn my back, everyday I forget. Yet all the more, I try to prove to everyone how I deserve the Love I’ve been given. I do my best to convince anyone but the One I should be persuading. Why? Because, deep down, I know my trial has been adjourned. My sentence is firm in its place. I have already been named not guilty. And no part of that is immovable. No missed quiet time or church service could unseat the truth of my position with God.

But that seems too good to be true. And it is. That’s why I try to prove that the ultimate sacrifice of his Son was worth it. That I swear I won’t or I didn’t or I don’t or I am this and not that and look I’m worth loving, I promise, if you just give me some time.

But each plea is met with a gentle pat on the shoulder and a shaking head and a tender voice saying, “I couldn’t love you anymore and I couldn’t love you any less. It is finished, Phoebe. You will always be my daughter.”

When I remember that truth, I feel a pull to know more about the One who says that to me and means it. Who says He won’t leave and doesn’t.

I don’t go to church or read my Bible for the sake of those around me. I do it because if I don’t I’ll forget. And forgetting is the worst thing I could do.

In regards to running, I’m just lazy.

I like the idea that at one point I wasn’t. I would rise early before the sun and run to the sounds of the birds chirping or the cold submitting to the early sun’s warmth. Whenever I do run now, I remember that I actually enjoy moving my body that way. But most times I just can’t bring myself to lace up my sneakers and do it. Maybe I will again one day, but for now, I’ll keep holding onto what I have already done.